Rebound (Cleaning out my closet)

Today is exactly one month since HE said those hurtful words in breaking up what I thought was the perfect future I would have. As an excuse for HIS change in feelings, he pointed the finger on me by saying I did not give him the attention he once had and needed. There was no clue, no sign, no warning for HIS sudden change of behaviour.



Being the first relationship, I thought my story would be exactly like how my parents' and my brother's will be. Ending up in the registrar and Dinner Reception was part of my plan for the future. In fact, it was also presumably my future-in-laws' plan as they had came and discussed where were w-e to go from now. And this future was 3 years from the present; or so I thought. I have even planned for financial allocation as well as job transition when that day comes.



I guess, I was working too far towards this ideal future that I did not look at the present. I thought our trust and foundation was stable enough for me to focus entirely on my baby-step career and education status. I thought we will make it through, but HE abondoned this vision for THE new girl.



The past whole month was truly a test of who am I emotionally. I always thought I was strong. I always thought I was practical and rationale. I could carry myself well and am just and fair when it comes to handling various situations. But, I guess I am still a normal girl who is very much affected emotionally. And the amount of hurt, tears and questions that exhaust the soul off me is the prove for it.



Throughout the month, questions raised in my head. Why, How, When. Then, there were family's opinions in this issue. They supported me (even my 3 year old nephew) but give reasons which are quite useless now in stepping HIM down further as a Man. Friends were there as well, especially when I had to face the cruel truth that this year's celebration of my existence in this world will be a down and trodden one. They dragged me up as I emotionally refused to stand and shook me with words to prove who I used to be and can be. Colleagues whom I have just made acquaintances with became a source of wise words from the viewpoint of the experienced. With these three groups of people around to give me the push, I have finally rebounded from where I fell and now it is time to look at where am I and where have I stopped before taking anymore steps forward.



I need to analyse the path which I want to take now that I am running alone. Indeed, I am free as I can choose the path for myself. I am now able to revive as the girl before I met HIM whom I have kept in the closet because of the commitment from my part.

My gratitude to my family, friends and colleagues are the source of energy for me to move on. I have learnt to bestrong not only for myself but also as a show of appreciation for those who have come this far in supporting me. And as I close this chapter of my life in an attempt to forget and let it go, I will always carry the swelling scar with me. It might heal one day, it might not. Till that day comes, I know that the scar not only will remind me of the pain that I went through during the fall but also the overwhelming support I have received which was much more than I have expected.

I thank everyone who have touched my heart in that manner. Good people will one day be awarded. And it is not everyday you meet good people, especially where our world is becoming more and more cruel both socially and humanely these days.

p/s: Woohoo!! PC FAIR next weekend.. time to buy a new HD..

Wo men de ai

回憶裡想起模糊的小時候雲朵漂浮在藍藍的天空那時的你說　要跟我手牽手一起走到時間的盡頭從此以後我都不敢抬頭看彷彿我的天空失去了顏色從那一天起　我忘記了呼吸眼淚啊永遠不再　不再哭泣我們的愛　過了就不再回來直到現在　我還默默的等待我們的愛　我明白　已變成你的負擔只是永遠　我都放不開　最後的溫暖啊　你給的溫暖從此以後我都不敢抬頭看彷彿我的天空失去了顏色從那一天起　我忘記了呼吸眼淚啊永遠不再　不再哭泣我們的愛　過了就不再回來直到現在　我還默默的等待我們的愛　我明白　已變成你的負擔只是永遠　我都放不開　最後的溫暖啊　你給的溫暖不要再問你是否愛我現在我想要自由天空遠離開這被綑綁的世界不再寂寞我們的愛　過了就不再回來直到現在　我還默默的等待我們的愛　我明白　已變成你的負擔只是永遠　我都放不開　最後的溫暖啊　你給的溫暖

I recall memories of our past,Where the clouds were all across the blue sky,And you promised that you would hold my hand,Till the end of time.Since then I didn't dare to lift my head with confidence,It seemed as if the sky had faded,Since then I lost my breath,My tears stopped flowing from then on, forever.Our love Can't return after it's goneTill now I waited in silenceOur love I knew, had become your burden,But I just can't let go the last heartfelt warmth,yours. I won't ask if you still love me,As all I need is the freedom of the sky,Leaving this world of sorrow,Never lonely again.Our love Can't return after it's goneTill now I waited in silenceOur love I knew, had become your burden,But I just can't let go the last heartfelt warmth of yours.

How can you be so heartless? for giving me a 'present' near my birthday which made me cry since 2 weeks ago? Of a third party coming between us?

Through the eyes

Do you believe that life is like a ferris wheel? You will have ups and downs.. the funny part of it all is, when you are in the 'ups', Everything seems to go as perfect as you want it to be; you have friends, job, love, money, trust, fame and yada yada of all the things you want in the world. More than often not, you will be happy and feel secured with your life. You have the focus and you know what you want and where you stand. You are loud and boiterous when it comes to giving ideas or protecting yourself. You fear nothing and can only think of people to fear you.

However, when there is up, there will also be down. It's like the Yin and Yang theory. Everything must have the opposite aura to balance out nature and its way. Again, when you feel that your life is at the rock bottom; only a fine line from Hell, everything that you want to do just does not seem right. It is at this time, you feel that not even the 80 episodes of TVB drama will be more dramatic than your life.

Well, welcome to my state of mind at this moment.

A class of kids do not respect me; as a matter of fact, they don't respect any teachers to begin with. Yet, I have to look at their faces and TEACH them how to become human beings for 320 minutes each week. My friends are all away from me to rant and talk; even if they are near, everyone is facing the same thing so might as well just bottle it up and swallow deep into the core pit of my soul. I was told off in a school meeting (although I was absent but walls have ears; especially walls that are painted white and spells S-C-H-O-O-L on it) for not informing about my whereabouts when I went for a course as a REPRESENTATIVE right after the holidays which in ALL LOGICAL SENSE the person whom I took orders from should have done it. Besides, the place that I went did not have a phone line for my particular number. I have been working my a** of for almost 3 consecutive Sundays including this Sunday without stopping for a day of rest. And when I did get my rest, I was being told on that day that I did not give enough attention towards my the other well-being; which leads to a off-but-not-completely-off situation. My colleagues saw how I sulked the whole day; so much so that these cute uncles plan to buy me a face massager. One even wanted to be a masseuse for immediate medication at that moment which in a way did help liven up the mood though I did not realise how I sulked might have disturbed them. (Sorry for that!) My dad is warded today in IJN for a 'blow-balloon' session on his blood veins which are blocked. I lost my celcom broadband. My 80G external hard drive which consists of 2 years worth of overseas pictures (I don't go overseas to STUDY often so you can imagine how MASSIVE the collection might have been), Degree assignments and some songs is officially dead. No one can revive it; no one seem to be able to resurrect it.

I really wonder how low can it go from here.

I definitely need a saviour now even if he/she is dressed with a red cape and a noticable red underw***.

In fact, I don't mind any superheroes to come and sweep me off my feet though I already have 2 angels around me to guide me through some bumps within the mess I am facing. Remember, I am not in the right mind now. In fact, I am not me. This is the emotional me talking.

I have a strong feeling when the fog is cleared, and when I read back this post, it will be an entire different feeling towards the situations from my present emotions. I am waiting for that day to come.

If you can wait and not be tired of waiting - IF

Of how I ended up at the other side of the country

As the holidays are ending, you would have thought that lazing around at home and watching the tube may be the best way to pass the time since once school reopens, madness will be there to steal Time from you. But as I was planning out how I will spend my carefree weekends for the last time within the next three months, I have the sudden call that ended all.. a call that may be a blessing in disguise

19/6/2009
5.00am - Online in the morning to check on my mails and blogs of other people.
5.30am - Went offline to prepare myself for the interview in putrajay(a)
6.10am - Left home
7.40am - Shocked to see Vilo was with me in the waiting room and get this - the same waiting room for interview. Not bad huh? What are the odds? High school mates turned college/uni mates and now together going for interview
8.40am - Went in and just bang.
9.25am - Came out to have Vilo said ' You went in the longest!'
10.10am - Left Putrajay(a) after breifing Vilo what to expect from the lady behind the desk.
12.30pm - Was ....... about what happened in the room so told my mom we shall eat sushi for lunch.
12.50pm - What??!! So long a queue for sushi?? 10 years ago, genki sushi was set up in Sban and it was closed down! Head to Ipoh white coffee instead.
1.10pm - the sales guy who sells books to the teachers in my school (whom my colleagues are overexcitedly trying to set us up) said hi... to my mom before asking 'Oh? This is your daughter ya? The one who went overseas?'
1.12pm - I looked at my mom and said 'So, you told the world I am the daughter WHO went overseas? How many daughters do you have la?'
9.15pm - Watching TV.
9.25pm - Still watching TV.
9.31pm - Phone rang. Caller: My PK Koko.
9.55pm - Told to pack up my bag and leave for Tioman at 12am in the morning of the 15/6/2009 which I have used various reasons to push it away.

1. I dunno anything about Koko.
2. I have a lot of other pressing matters in school to do.
3. I dont see a letter. I need letter to move.

Overrule as it is an order. Saya yang mengikut perintah.

10.35pm - Still grumbling to my parents because I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO GO.
11.05pm - Can't sleep. I don't want to go but still have to go.

The last day of my holidays - June diary entry

1. Although tomorrow is officially the last day of my holidays, I will be going for my SPP interview; part of my job requirement.

2. So I treat it as a working day - to be formal me and my 'teacher' self.

3. I am excited to finally start my Jap class which is causing me a month's salary.. Sigh...

4. My dad told me about my deceased granddad on how he had to cut down a coconut tree under the gun point of the Japanese soldiers who wanted him to climb up and pluck the coconut.

5. As usual, the irony of the past and present; history and living.

6. The best part is I am also reading a book, 'The last concubine' set in Japan during the 1800s.

7. I am so lazy to begin work on Monday.

8. My mom just told me about keying in marks for the mid year exam paper.

9. I told her back, I dunno and I haven't do it because I have not discuss the answers with my children.

10. Moreover, the data is in school.

11. I have a strong feeling, I am not the first yet not the last to key in the marks once school reopens.

12. I had 4 invitations to weddings which I can't go to any of it.

13. For the first three was because
i) They are my colleagues who are older than me and I don't think I will be able to fit in and socialise that well yet.
ii) The last one is of my friends from IPBA which is too far for me and coincidentally, my nephew's birthday which I have forgotten.

14. I sincerely wish every pair of the bride and groom a blissful and happy life together as man and wife.

15. I can't wait to hear news of little bumps in 5-10 months time.. hehe...

16. My friend text me to join her for a trip at the end of the year to Korea.

17. I am excited!!!

18. But I am thinking I need to consider the SPM duration of invigilating.

19. Sigh.. being a teacher is no joke.

20. You are married to your job and is on call whenever the sun is around.

First graduation

My graduation ceremony was on the 30/5/2009. It was definitely a memory to be cherished. As I sat there with the Victorians on the first 3 rows in front of the hall, I looked left and right and remembered many things we had done as a bunch of VUW students.

1. The flight we took to go Wellington.

2. Our first group trip around town in WEllington.

3. Our makan makan bersama after every semester ended.

4. Our merdeka celebration at the Embassy.

5. Our crazy noise pollution in the bus amidst the local Kiwis there (I still remember Jarod's line for that one ringing fresh near my ear)

6. Our laughter as we brave through rain and wind during winter.

7. Our lectures and tutoring groups with those who have touched our hearts : Rebecca, Macalister, Chris, the two Pauls, Alexa, Johnathan.. and oh my gawd.. what was the lecturer's name who thought us ALIN 301?? Ah.. yes.. Peter Gu..

8. Not forgetting Laila, Saskia and the whole slss group of people..

I smiled as I remembered every crazy thing we did as a group which in turn has made us so comfortable and supportive with each other.

And when I turn behind to look at my friends from other univerisities, my thought and memories fall back on the few people who have been there like brothers and sisters whom I never had.

1. I remembered Guna's shock when he knew I am from Seremban on the first night of our enrolment day.

2. I remember Shi ying's short hair and her smart tongue which I was not so sure whether it is of good or evil ( now I know shi ying~)

3. I remembered how I met Jul li and thought of her as a supposed OL than a teacher.

4. I remembered Anne's blur look when she walked into the canteen in search of Jul Li and how I got confused with her name being Fatima.

5. I remembered Gloria and how she sat next to me during briefing with short hair and flowing skirt.

6. I remembered Zaini as the leader of my foundation class.

7. I remembered Ali G thought my name as written on the IC was Tam Lee Hom.

8. I remembered Madeline and her ever so hurriedly walking from one corner to another.

9. I remembered how I will misscall friends who are late for classes.

10. I remembered the outings, gossips, retail comparing, assignment burning and exam stressings...

Memories after memories just filled my mind, like how Prof Dumbledore would pull on streak out to be placed in the Pensieve. Now how I wish, I had a Pensive. Then I can fall into the bowl and re watch everything like a TVB drama. No words can express how overwhelmed I felt at that time to have gone through the whole 6 years with them.

Not forgetting the seniors, the juniors who have celebrated all the Chinese festivals that we had together. How we have become the audience to support the performances done for all different themes and nights. The raggings on the first few days of arrival (yes, and I had to find out Ye Ye's full name). Part and process of learning and becoming crazy in the right way.

However, as I finally heard my name being called to receive the book and shake hands with the Education Director, Faculty Chancellor and the Deputy Director of my Institution, I know that this is the end of everything. It took me 6 months of clinging on to these memories and longing for this day to be able to gather together and chat; just like those days since 2003. But after this, reality is there and I should learn to let go. Let go of all these feelings, let go of all these thought of 'I wish..' Nothing can be done and there is no TimeWrap to turn back time.

My current social life is no more than with those older or younger than me. Different wavelength, different speech style and definitely different ideology. Until the day I reach a certain level of my prime or in a working environment which allows me to feel as free and comfortable as it was, these people will be those who have touched my life and allow me to feel true friendship which I have always wanted. It marks the whole new meaning of what I learnt in EDUC, family of no relations. Thank you, guys. I miss you all~ Congrats for officially becoming a real graduate.

Happy Teacher's Day

Many people just ignore the fact that teachers help in moulding who they are now at present; whether a doctor, a writer, a cartoonist etc. Many would say that it is because of their pure determination/talent and whatever reasons to prove that teachers are nobody but someone who walk in and out of their lives.

True, everyone can be teachers. Teachers generally means a person who teach. A mother who guides her baby the first steps of walking is a teacher. A cook who scolds his students for causing a mess in their dish is a teacher. A mechanic who sits and reads the newspaper while instructing his protege verbally in desmantling the car engine is a teacher. A PhD surgical doctor who lectures a hall of training surgeons is a teacher. You and me and everyone who passes a new knowledge to another individual is a teacher. Teacher of all aspects, teacher of different environments, teacher of various reasons.

But can everyone be the TEACHER as a profession? Many people do have the idea that life as a teacher is simple. How tough can it be compared to other professions? A doctor is worth respect because they play with lives. An accountant is deemed respectable because they withstand the long hours of checking numbers and figures. A lorry driver is seen to be difficult as they have to travel from one corner to another.

I guess maybe because we do not have a concrete outcome to prove our hardships. We are always dealing with nontangible things such as mind, attitude and moral. Sometimes, we deal with success and failure both from teachers' and students' part. WE have in our heart to educate the kids but we get frustrated when the children have no alike minds like you. When they do, the adminstration will hope for the best and greed is there to achieve the ultimate achievement.

Nonetheless, some teachers are still there to continue to persue their hopes from when they have started this profession. To all teachers out there.. Happy Teacher's Day! Though it always seems that we are always losing battles, but we have been winning wars, even from the days of Socrates and Mencius. Human will need knowledge, and we are there to provide them. WE WILL BE THERE TO PROVIDE THEM.